CATTLE POISONING ON KENT FARM

CEP Investigation Continues

By Kathy Romita

When Jonathan Kent woke up yesterday morning, he thought it was just another perfect day on the farm. He was wrong. Kent and his son, Clark, made a grim discovery when they went out to the cow pasture to feed the cattle. Instead of 60 hungry cows, they found 60 dead cows--poisoned by illegally dumped hazardous waste.

The Kansas State Center for Environmental Protection quickly arrived on the scene. Oozing green liquid onto the field, half a dozen broken hazardous waste barrels bearing the LuthorCorp logo clued CEP representatives into the cause of the bovine massacre.

Even though LuthorCorp handles dangerous chemicals, the company has previously maintained a blemish-free environmental record at its Smallville fertilizer facility. When plant president Lex Luthor arrived at the Kent farm, he was overheard assuring Martha and Jonathan Kent, "I have no idea how this could have happened, but I'll do everything in my power to find out." He further promised to "pay for all of the lost livestock."

But the dead head of cattle is just the beginning of the Kent farm problems. As HAZ-MAT technicians removed the carcasses and cleaned the field, CEP officials informed the Kents that the pasture cannot be used for "at least six months." It will take the CEP time to determine if the waste poses a health threat to the Kents and their livestock as well as to their neighbors and their animals. The possibility of groundwater contamination is a real concern as well. CEP official Rudey Joce said, "We plan to conduct a thorough investigation. And monitoring the site is a top priority with this type of contamination. Whenever something seeps into the ground...then you've got trouble."

Anyone with information about this crime is encouraged to call the CEP at 555-0110.

SEVERED HAND
FOUND IN TALON THEATER
Linked To Metropolis Murder Victim

By Christopher James Beppo

A severed hand has been found in a box in the Talon movie theater during renovations. Authorities were called to the theater after two teenagers discovered the gruesome package in the building's lobby. Sheriff's deputies confirmed that the parcel was not sent through the U.S. mail or via any known courier. A contractor who was renovating the building alone that night reported being knocked unconscious by an unknown assailant shortly before the box was left.

Witnesses also told the Ledger that Lex Luthor was spotted at the scene, apparently quite shaken, although investigators would neither confirm nor deny. Luthor, who has shunned media appearances since his controversial purchase of the Smallville landmark earlier this month, was unavailable for comment.

The discovery of the hand was quickly followed by news from Metropolis of a dead body that was missing a hand. "We put it together, so to speak, and figured out it was the same guy," remarked Sheriff Waid. The victim has been identified as Max Kasich, a former bouncer who was involved in a scandal at the infamous Club Zero a few years ago. Authorities are still investigating as to whether the dead man had any known enemies or how part of him ended up in Smallville.

SOMETHIN' NEW IS BREWIN'
AT THE TALON
By Gena McGuiness

The newly renovated Talon buzzed with excitement as klieg light heralded the opening of the new cafe and bookstore last night. As the espresso machines hummed, the caffeinated crowd bumped to the music and found out that Smallville has finally gone hip (snap, snap).
Talon owner Lex Luthor, who was planning to tear down the Talon to build a parking structure, credits
businessman. I know a good opportunity when I see it," says Luthor. "We have something for everyone," comments manager Nell Potter, "whether it's your morning coffee and a newspaper, your afternoon iced mocha and a magazine or your evening latte and live music, the Talon is where you'll want to be."

The double decaf dry cappuccinos are great, too. Snap, snap.

SMALLVILLIANS PERPLEXED BY SQUARE WATERMELONS
By Lane Olsen

Visitors at the Smallville Farmer's Market might have noticed that Fred Smith's supply of watermelons looks a bit different from what Smallvillians can find elsewhere.

"I went out to the field one morning, and there it was--a square watermelon," Smith said. Within weeks, his entire crop of melons was in the alternative shape. "I haven't been doing anything different with growing them; it just sort of happened," he said.

Dr. Bernard Klein, a scientist specializing in horticulture at S.T.A.R. Labs, is also perplexed. "Certainly a freak strain of watermelon could evolve somehow, but this is something I have never seen in my life," he said.
Square watermelons have been seen before, but until now they were created by forcing the melons into square glass cases. In Japan, artificially created square watermelons are becoming more widespread, despite their higher price. Smith's melons, however, are going for the regular rate.

The novelty has doubled Smith's sales. "It fits in the refrigerator much more easily now," said Smallville resident Bonnie Harris. "My family loves them," she added. Surveyors for Lowell County, speaking on the condition of anonymity, claim that the occurrence may be the result of some recent experiments at LuthorCorp Fertilizer Plant No. 3. Representatives from the plant offered no comment.

Until his supply runs out, Smith has no problem with the new shape. Making the inevitable joke, he concluded, "My sales show it may be hip to be square."