LUTHORCORP BUYS
HARDWICK ENTERPRISES
Sudden Hostile Acquisition Surprises Analysts, Shareholders

By John K. McGuiness

With shocking rapidity, LuthorCorp has acquired U.K.-based recycling giant Hardwick Enterprises in a hostile takeover. The two titans--or more accurately, their equally driven CEOs, Lionel Luthor and Sir Harry Hardwick--had been battling for years in a power struggle that baffled market watchers, since none of their holdings overlapped or presented any direct competition. Although LuthorCorp is known for its dominance in the fertilizer market and several other sectors, this is the conglomerate's first foray into a salvage-related business.

Luthor has been uncharacteristically quiet about the acquisition, which significantly boosts LuthorCorp's presence in the United Kingdom. But The Daily Planet is reporting that a press release from the Metropolis
Chamber of Commerce announced the city had awarded its exclusive recycling contract to Hardwick Enterprises only two days earlier. Despite that coup, Hardwick's stock immediately plummeted at the start of trading the following day, primarily because of Hardwick's simultaneous purchase of a majority interest in Cadmus Labs, a technology firm that had never shown any promise. That extremely ill-advised move left Hardwick open to a hostile takeover, and Luthor pounced.

Interestingly, Luthor's son, Lex, and Hardwick's daughter, Victoria, had recently been seen together in Smallville and Metropolis, fueling speculation of some sort of merger between the two heirs. Those rumors have now faded, however, as Lionel Luthor wins yet another corporate chess match.

INVESTORS BUY OLD CLUB ZERO

By Shelby Taylor
(reprinted from The Daily Planet)

Renovations will begin in a few months on the dilapidated warehouse at 78th and Main, once the site of the infamous Club Zero. Known for its decadence and "zero consequences" prescript, the glitzy nightclub was the former playground of the Metropolis megarich and the wannabe
wealthy. The hot spot was forced to close three years ago after patronage plummeted following the controversial shooting death of superrich playboy Jude Boyce.
Investors bought the property last month and plan to open a new nightspot, offering an eclectic mix of live entertainment and an upscale restaurant with full bar, within a year.

FORDMAN'S SCHOLARSHIP IN JEOPARDY

In Shocking Turnaround, Darin Mark Signs with Kansas State

By George "The Streak" Talmer

In what could easily be considered the biggest news story in the history of the Kansas State football program, First Team USA Today quarterback Darin Mark has decided to stay in Kansas and play for Bill Snyder's team.
Mark had given an early commitment to the Wildcats then changed his mind and offered his services to UCLA. But yesterday, in a jam-packed Eisenhower High School Gymnasium, Mark delivered sweet music to the ears of Wildcat fans across the state of Kansas: "I'm a country boy. I grew up on Big 12 football, and L.A.'s just got one too many whack birds for me--so Let's Go Cats!"

The crowd erupted in cheers as Mark donned his trademark purple
cap. "The boy's had that K-State cap strapped to his head since seventh grade, ain't no way he was gonna trade it in for a blue-and-gold one," hollered Eisenhower High football coach Luke Nixon.

But there was one home where Mark's music didn't sound so sweet: that of Whitney Fordman. Smallville's golden boy was thought to own that spot in this year's Wildcat recruiting class, pending his second-semester grades and SAT scores. Fordman's father seemed deeply distraught at the news and had no comment. Whitney was also unavailable for reaction.
Crow Interim Head Coach Wayne Quigly stated, "This doesn't necessarily mean Whit's not gonna be a Wildcat. He's a talented athlete who will be a huge addition to whatever program picks him up."

SUPERBOY TURNS SUPERPSYCHO!
By Chloe Sullivan

An unexplainable event occurred recently, and those who witnessed it are still trying to figure out how it happened. After watching a thief steal a purse from a female high school student, Eric Summers came to the aid of one of his classmates and retrieved the bag that contained a laptop computer.

Not only did Summers stop the attacker and save the computer, but he hurled the man at least 30 feet into the air! Defying all the principles of physics, the purse snatcher flew 30 feet--powered only by Summers' incredible strength. How did young Mr. Summers do that? I don't know, and I'm the student he helped. In fact, I typed this article on the laptop he saved.

But apparently, Summers doesn't plan to use his newfound powers solely for good. Yesterday, at Smallville High School, he got
involved in a fight with a fellow student. In an uncontrollable rage, he flung a truck clear across the parking lot! He then launched two classmates at least 20 feet.

Last night, deputies responded to an emergency call from the troubled youth's parents. After law enforcement officials arrived at the scene, Summers overturned one of their cars and threw another through the roof of his parents' house, to the amazement of onlookers.

Authorities later found Summers unconscious near Rockway Dam, inexplicably electrocuted. He was rushed to Smallville Medical Center for treatment. According to hospital officials, medical experts from S.T.A.R. Labs have already arrived at the facility to study this incredible phenomenon. It was not clear at press time whether charges will be filed against Summers for the mayhem he caused