A Port O' Call

Guests pass out of the caverns. They are just outside a small Caribbean island, with the island to the right and the open foggy sea to the left. They have traveled back in time - a full sized pirate ship is anchored just outside the port!



Cannonballs whistle and fly overhead, too fast to see, but we can see the splash that the misfired ones make in the water! The fort appears to be in bad shape, with several holes in it. We can see the pirate captain standing aboard the ship, shouting commands at his crew. Pirates occasionally appear from the cannon hold, popping up momentarily to aim and then dropping out of sight cowardly. The captain is the only pirate who really knows what he's doing.



Throughout this battle the captain and the Spanish fortress soldiers hurl insults at each other.

GUN MAN 1:
Down shuttles, Cap'n! Went clean through the mizzen mast!

CAPTAIN:
Pipe the ruddy wreckage away, stand lay yer guns bare! Surrender, ye lilly-livered lubbers! Another broadside and ye goes down with the tide.

SPAINARDS:
Otros carrazones! Wee'l fix you! We weel sink your steenkin' ship!

CAPTAIN:
Give it to them again, lads, Aye, that'll show the bilge rats! Avast ya scurvey scum! Run up yer white flag! Well then! Give 'em a broadside! Pound 'em lads! Pound 'em!

SPAINARDS:
Wee'l sink you...

GUN MAN 2:
Two men down and four gone.

SPAINARDS:
We weel never surrender! We're gonna sink yer steenkin' ship!

CAPTAIN:
Take 'em below! Clear the decks lads. Strike yer colors, ya bloomin' cockroaches! By thunder we'll see you to Davy Jones! He needs persuasion, mates! Fire at will!


A Misfired cannonball.

Guests pass between two guard towers and are now inside this once peaceful Caribbean town. The pirates appear to have won, for they are now standing just inside the town around a well. The pirate Captain menaces over the mouth of the well. A nearby pirate has several of the town political figures tied up in a line, each one in bedclothes, all of them terrified by the spectacle playing out before their eyes. They have smashed in the door of the Mayor’s house.



The area around the well is piled high with treasure, and a nearby pirate plays a little ditty on a flute.



The captain motions one hook hand upwards, and a nearby grinning pirate raises whatever is on the other end of the hoist rope out of the well. It is a chair, and tied to the chair is the rotund mayor, Carlos. He spits water out of his mouth as he is raised.



CAPTAIN:
Pipe the lubber aloft, matey... Speak up you bilge rat, where be the treasure?

A woman in a upstairs window unceremoniously flings the shutters open – Carlos’ wife – and shouts at the pirates below.

CARLOS' WIFE:
Do not tell him Carlos...No, no no no!

A grinning pirate raises his musket and fires a shot at the woman. Her flower-pots explode, and she screams and slams the shutters closed. The assembled pirates cackle.

CARLOS:
No, no por favor, no no no.

Carlos is dropped back down the well for another dunking, his speech is garbled by water as he drops.

CAPTAIN:
Pipe him aloft again matey. By gum he'll talk, or do a fine dance at rope's end! Be that clear, Senor?

As Carlos’ head peeks up over the edge of the well once again, the shutters fly open and Carlos’ wife appears at the window.


CARLOS' WIFE:
Don't tell him, don't be cheecken.

Another gunshot, another shriek, another flowerpot explodes, and the shutters slam shut.

CARLOS:
I am not chicken, I will not talk, I will not talk.

The Captain motions and the pirate drops him down the well once again.
 
Guests pass an anchored skiff and into a courtyard. To the right several bachelor pirates are seated on a series of steps.



To the left, high above all other pirates, stands a jolly-looking pirate, holding in one hand a whip and motioning around with the other. Just behind him is a sweet looking but rather fat woman.



He is an auctioneer and is selling the woman to lucky pirates. Other "wares" stand nearby, all of them crying, except for one - a buxom young lady in a red dress who fixes her hair and silently flirts with the pirates across the river. A nearby pirate, armed with a gun, appears not to mind guarding her.

A banner in the background proclaims: "BUY A BRIDE!", scrawled on a wedding dress. Other hecklers stand around in various stages of inebriation. A nearby assistant auctioneer sits with a shotgun to silence any pirates who get out of hand.

AUCTIONEER:
Weigh anchor now ye swabbies. What be I offered for this winsome wench? Stout hearted, and corn fed she be...



HECKLER:
Aye, be ya selling her by the pound?

AUCTIONEER:
Shift yer cargo dearie, show 'em your larboard side.


The fat woman giggles and obligingly turns around.

BACHELOR:
We wants the redhead!

AUCTIONEER:
Belay there, ya foc' s' al swab!

HECKLER:
Aye, the redhead!

ALL BACHELORS:
WE WANTS THE REDHEAD! WE WANTS THE REDHEAD! WE WANTS THE REDHEAD...

ASSIT. AUCTIONEER:
Avast there!



The Assit. auctioneer fires a shot above the crowd's head, hitting a nearby sign, causing it to rock back and forth. The crowd is immediately silenced.

AUCTIONEER:
And now you bilge rats, do I hear six, who makes it six?

DRUNK HECKLER:

Six, six it be. Six bottles of rum.

The auctioneer shoots him a dirty glance. The drunk is shaking his bottle of beer, examining the contents.

AUCTIONEER:
I'm not spungin' for rum-- it be gold I'm after. Strike your colors you brazen wench. No need to expose your superstructure.



ALL BACHELORS:
WE WANTS THE READHEAD! WE WANTS THE REDHEAD! WE WANTS THE REDHEAD!

HECKLER:

Pipe the redhead aboard. Come on now!

ASSIT. AUCTIONEER:
Quiet ya scum!

He fires another shot above their heads.

Passing under a bridge, guests view a large courtyard. Various doors in the buildings open to small, stately houses. Running in and out of each door are various women, each one with a drunken pirate in close pursuit. One woman chases a pirate with a broom.



Leaning up against a barrel near the boats is an obviously drunken pirate. In one hand he holds a woman's high-heeled shoe and a ripped off piece of her dress.



PIRATE:
Ah, shiver me soul. I's dead wore out, I be. A mite too fast these light-footed wenches be for the likes of an old schweg-bellied pirates such as I! Now where be that fascinatin' little old treasure, aye? Heave-to, mateys! Say, have you set your eyes on the bewitched maiden in your travels? Oh she be a lively lassie she were. Oh, I tell you true... it's alright be to hoist me colors on the likes of that shy little wench! Uh ha, uh ha, uh ha ha ha, uh ha. Favor - keep a weather eye open, mateys, I be willin' to share, I be! Ha uh ha!

The woman he speaks of, terrified, peeks out of the barrel he leans against! The pirate, oblivious, does not notice this, or the dog that is barking at the woman as she peers out of the barrel in dismay.

Across from them a drunken old pirate sits on a barrel, a mug of beer in one hand. Atop a nearby barrel are two cats, tails erect and fur sticking up. They hiss at him, but he doesn't really seem to notice or care.


DRUNK:
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty? Have a little ol' time rum with old Bill, aye? Come on now, be a nice little pussy cat! Ha ha. Oh, you be a fiesty one you be! Ha ha ha...

The two cats shake their heads in rejection whenever he asks if they wish to have a drink. 
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