Cooking Chicken with an Atomic Blast

         Hello and welcome to the new cooking segment of the site. I am your host, Mario Barilla; you will no doubt recognize my name as a tasteful amalgam of two Italian stereotypes, sì? In fact, I am actually a chimera of the genius AKI^® Corporation, or so I am told daily by the nice men with guns who tuck me into my plank of wood each night. Ah, chimera, truly an excellent word, sì? Reminds me of pasta sauce or climbing through tunnels and stepping on things, but then again so does everything...

         Now, on to today’s culinary segment. First you will need to gather the following items:

• 1 chicken; live, raw, or frozen
• 1 thermonuclear device (may be purchased here)
• 1 medium-sized Japanese city
• 1 aeroplane
• 1 Geiger counter
• 1 lead-lined air-tight box
• 1 radiation suit
• 1 sharp carving knife
• barbecue sauce
• table salt
• your favorite garnish

         Gather all ingredients in your kitchen, or if kitchen is troppo piccolo, you may gather all ingredients in a field oustide Okinawa. Prepare the chicken. If it is live, leave it alone; we’ll get to the gallinacei bastardo later (oh, what a wonderful double entendre that none of you will ever understand...). If your chicken is frozen, thaw it and flavor with barbecue sauce and salt to taste. If your chicken is raw, you may do likewise sans thawing. Next, open your lead-lined box and place the chicken inside; if your chicken is alive, you may want to lure him into the box with a few well placed grains of corn, sì? Seal the box tightly and grab a bus to town center (This should not be a problem, since Japanese public transportation is a true delight). Place your box in a safe outdoor location, where it will not be touched by nosy people or authorities. The next part is simple: take your aeroplane, fly over city and drop your thermonuclear device; enjoy pretty lights and boom-boom; land safely, don radiation suit, and retrieve box. You may now wish to flee.

         Mio dio, all that fleeing has made you hungry, sì? This is most eccellente, for we are ready to eat. Remove chicken from box (be sure to collect any vaporized dust) and check with Geiger counter; if your box funzioni correttamente, as it were, your chicken should be nicely browned but safe to consume. If your chicken was alive before preparation, now is very good time to scrape off feathers and beak; salt and sauce to taste. Carve chicken and serve with garnish. Serves 2-4 people depending on chicken size. Make more chickens as needed or until no more Japanese cities remain.

Your fellow culinary afficionado,

Mario Barilla