Ahmed Kazikian came to the United States in 1956 with only a dream and a Kalashnikov rapid-fire submachine gun. The Kalashnikov was seized at customs, but the dream lived on.

     Soon after his arrival, Kazikian met up with Bill Williams and started a small business which offered various services. Kazikian killed Williams soon thereafter and opened his own enterprise, an unlicensed dental clinic on Coney Island. Known as Kazikian’s Koney Klinic, or the KKK, the office treated over six thousand patients until its closure in 1977.

     Kazikian went into seclusion for several years, but reemerged in the mid-80’s to found Ahmed Kazikian Industry^®. Today, AKI Inc. has over 300 branches, each offering a unique product or service. And since AKI operates from a secluded barbed- wire enclosed compound in the Midway Islands, we can offer what no one else can.

     So sit back, grab a cup of coffee and browse our online catalog. You’ll be glad you did.

          At its quarterly stockholders’ meeting in Oslo, Norway, Ahmed Kazikian Industry^® Inc. today issued what it hopes will become an annual apology statement. Read by President of Marketing and Consumer Affairs Kurtis M. Schwitters to a cheering crowd, the text is transcribed directly:

          Ahmed Kazikian’s own grandfather had once told him, "To offend one is inept; to offend many is a plan." The late Leroy Kazikian then collapsed into his soup, splattering the tablecloth and, presumably, offending one. But young Ahmed would never forget the lesson he learned that day, a lesson that carried over into one of AKI’s core mission strategies.

          We are never afraid to sacrifice politeness for success, political correctness for policy, or consumer response for content. And ultimately we are better for it; delivering better products, better services, and better content for the new world economy.

          But as a consequence, many others fall behind, crushed beneath the wheels of our massive engine of growth. In the past, we would have merely shrugged our shoulders and considered them victims of Darwinian Economics. But as our outdated machinations began to crumble and as the United States legal system descended to its current nadir, when it is not only possible but mandatory to demand compensation for one’s own irreconcilable stupidity, it has become clear that AKI must too mature with the times.

          Thus, in the interests of being a socially acceptable and legally functional corporation well into the future, we at Ahmed Kazikian Industry are proud to announce our Annual Apology (AA). Each December, we shall take a long hard look at the year behind us and identify the groups and/or individuals we have offended, hurt, or disturbed from their peaceful slumber of stasis. We are heartily and truly sorry for anything and everything; our intention always has been and always shall be to improve your lives, improve the world, and eventually to mold the very universe to our model of improvement. We thus offer our sincerest and most heartfelt apologies to the following entities. We at AKI hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive us:

• Peru
• The Jewish People
• The Federal Bureau of Investigation
• Yale University
• The Department of Homeland Security
• President George W. Bush
• Microsoft
• Dadaists
• Nihilists
• The Italian People
• Latino-Americans
• Japan
• The Lord, the Son, and the Holy Spirit
• Pandas
• Bald Eagles, as both the bird and the symbol
• The city of Rockford, Virginia
• William Shatner
• Google
• Law Enforcement
• Daniel Venning, of the UK
• Those suffering at the hands of the Godless
• The English Language
• Our Creditors
• The Humorless

          Our intention is that the abovementioned will forgive us, accept their free toasters, and join the masses in purchasing the AKI-branded products and services that make our world great. And remember: one day, you won’t have this choice.

     Around 9:25 AM this morning, FBI agents stormed the Baltimore Office of Ahmed Kazikian Industry, making six arrests. As most staff had not yet arrived for work, those arrested were: the night watchman, the janitorial staff, and a lone web designer who had fallen asleep on the couch late last night.

     File cabinets and computers were confiscated, pending further investigation. When asked about their motivation for the sudden raid and subsequent arrests, FBI agents on scene commented, "No comment," though with further prodding, they did disclose that AKI had been under ongoing investigation regarding but not limited to crimes such as: drug trafficking, tax evasion, insider trading, and falsifying financial information.

     Ahmed Kazikian, current CEO and founder of AKI had this to say: "This will not stand. Every morning, there are supposed to be chocolate, cinnamon, and frosted donuts in the breakroom. Instead, I walk in to find Black, Hispanic and Caucasian law enforcement officials sweeping the premises. This is not a suitable substitute." Kazikian then went on to say he didn’t have time for further questions and left the room. On his way out, he flipped off a police officer and overturned a coffee table.

     Kurtis M. Schwitters, President of Marketing and Consumer Affairs, explained that AKI would be fully cooperative with the pending investigation and promised complete disclosure to the public once more facts were known. "Obviously, we have a long job ahead of us. But we remain committed to the consumers that made our company great over the years. AKI will remain in business to fill your needs, unless we are ordered to do otherwise, in which case we will surely find ways of bribing and/or blackmailing the necessary officials."

Also see News.























Questions or comments: ahmed@kazikian.tk.

©2003 Ahmed Kazikian Industry^®