Welcome to Ahmed Kazikian’s J.I.H.a.D.* Bodyguard ServicesSM, the elite personal security consultants.

         In today’s age of uncertainty, war, and terrorism, we all need protection. But most bodyguards are slow, unfaithful, and demand a regular salary. Worse still, they only act after a threat has been perceived. So by the time your bodyguard unholsters his baton and assumes a threatening position, you’re already lying in a pool of your own fast-cooling blood.

         That’s where Ahmed Kazikian’s J.I.H.a.D. Bodyguard ServicesSM comes in. Our guards differ from the rest in three key areas:

  1. J.I.H.a.D. Bodyguards strike pre-emptively, killing everything within your 25m. diameter “safety zone” before you can be attacked. See that old lady walking towards you? The mailman to your right? Those two men across the street? Any one of them can pull a gun on you in seconds. With a standard bodyguard you’d be shot dead on sight. But with J.I.H.a.D Bodyguards at your side, these threats are eliminated before you’re even within range. And best of all, all J.I.H.a.D Bodyguards are followed by our patented “Disposal Team” so you’ll never have to leave unsightly dead bodies in your wake.

  2. J.I.H.a.D. Bodyguards are never paid!** How is this possible, you ask? Because all J.I.H.a.D. Bodyguards are actually members of the Al Quada terrorist network, and believe they are protecting Bin Laden himself. With each cadre of bodyguards, we include a false beard and mustache, as well as an authentic Afghani turban. Keep these on at all times, and the ruse is foolproof.†

  3. J.I.H.a.D. Bodyguards are not only willing but eager to take a bullet for you. In fact, we have had instances when J.I.H.a.D. Bodyguards opened fire on themselves; they simply love to die!‡

         Consider John F. Kennedy, Elvis Presley, Winston Churchill, John Rockefeller, Friedrich Nietzsche: these people are all dead. Don’t let that happen to you. Start a “J.I.H.a.D!”

         Imagine the possibilities! Witness the future! Come to AKI®.


*J.I.H.a.D., aside from signifying a holy crusade, abbreviates our CEO’s sentiment after watching our first customer walk out the door: “‘G’ee, I hope a client doesn’t die...” If this echoes your own hopes on not dying, you’ve come to the right place.

**After one-time delivery charge.

†AKI is not responsible for actions of bodyguards if mustache/beard ensemble is removed.

‡AKI is not responsible for dead bodyguards. No replacement bodyguards will be shipped.